The Zombie Plan
You can also watch the video blog of this entry at The Geek Girl Gamut YouTube page. Please have a look and let me know what you think of it. First attempt at this, but an awesome job by my video editor.
Most of us might trace the history of zombies back to George A. Romero’s original 1968 “Night of the Living Dead” film. The concept of zombies, however, goes back much further.
Zombies weren’t originally thought of as the dead brought back to life, desiring more than anything else “Brains!” but actually originated with the Afro-Caribbean spiritual beliefs of Voodoo. Voodoo zombies can be the living too, unfortunate souls controlled by a witch doctor to become mindless drones that only do their master’s biding.
But Romero is indeed the one who first created zombies as the undead cannibals we know and love today.
Of course some form of flesh or blood-hungry undead existed long before Romero came along and dubbed them zombies, like ghouls and vampires, for example. In some ways Frankenstein’s monster might even be considered a type of zombie too.
There were also many films before “Night of the Living Dead” that included zombie-like creatures, like “Last Man on Earth” in 1964, a closer adaptation to the vampire short story “I am Legend”.
Will Smith’s version was good, I even own it, it just wasn’t the same story.
But I’m not here today to discuss the history of zombies, this commentary is called “The Zombie Plan” for a reason. Any self-respecting geek has some kind of game-plan for if and when the Zombie Apocalypse descends upon us. Just admit it, you know you do too.
I am consistently frustrated with newer zombie films because most of the time no one knows the obvious basics, when, in a world like ours with so many zombie films and lore out there, most average people would at least know something. Like “Shoot them in the head”. Common sense, right? Getting bit means you are next to turn into a zombie and start craving human flesh. No brainer, pun intended.
Zombieland was about as close as I have ever seen to a zombie film with people knowing what they are doing, but although that film was spectacular, it still didn’t capture the initial zombie-knowledge right on outbreak that I would like to see someday.
So here is my Zombie Plan.
THE PLAN
Step 1:
Know your strengths.
Who do you have with you? What can those people do? It may be a good idea to make friends with someone with EMT knowledge or at least basic first aid, a couple who have handled a gun before, like avid hunters, and an engineer or someone who can fly a plane or a helicopter never hurt anyone either.
Step 2:
Gather supplies.
Unnecessary trips are what get people killed. so take stock of what you already have and what would be most effective against zombies. Guns aren’t always the answer. Remember, a good machete or katana won’t run out of bullets, so try and keep a few blades near or on your person at all times. There is also more to life than weapons. You need food, water, gas, clothing, any pharmaceuticals you can get your hands on, but also remember to pack light without forgetting the essentials.
Always have matches.
Step 3:
Get to your safe zone.
An appropriate safe zone should be chosen well in advance. Don’t assume you will be safest at home. If you are already at your safe zone, stay put. If you are not near your safe zone then you need to get there fast which first means securing transportation. Take back roads and streets when at all possible, as there will be panicked people out there without a plan that could get you killed. Make sure someone is watching your surroundings at all times while packing supplies into the vehicle and head out right away.
Step 4:
Securing the Safe Zone.
My advice, find a place like Cabellas. That’s right, the sporting goods store. They have weapons of all kinds, ammo, supplies, clothing, food, bathrooms, gates for the entrances. It has everything you need and it can be sealed off.
You may run into obstacles, however, with such a high profile place.
What about other people? What if zombies have already gotten in when you get there? Stupid people can be dealt with. Stupid enough people the zombie’s will take care of for you.
If there are Zombies, access the situation. If you effectively clean them out without wasting ammo or taking unnecessary risk, it is worth it for the fortress you will have afterwards. If not, move on to a secondary location.
Step 5:
Delegate responsibility.
You may think to do this before reaching and securing your safe zone. That can be fine, but not if it takes up time or starts pointless arguments in the middle of escaping the zombie horde. It is best to wait until you are in a safe area. Then determine who will keep track of supplies, who will cook, who will patrol, etc., as zombies will no doubt be around your perimeter and there is always the chance of idiot bikers coming and trying to take over your sanctuary.
Remember, working together is the most effective way for everyone to survive. But when in doubt every man for himself.
If you have followed these steps then you should be sitting fairly good, but if you want to survive beyond the safe zone, observe the following rules.
THE RULES
1. Conserve supplies and ammo.
Be smart. Even in a place like Cabella’s supplies won’t last forever.
2. Do not take unnecessary risks.
This is especially important once you are safe, because that is when people will do something stupid for no reason at all and get themselves or others killed.
3. Don’t worry about the cause.
What caused the Zombie Apocalypse doesn’t matter, what matters is that it is here now and now you have to deal with it. Unless you are one of the most intelligent scientists in the world, your only job is to worry about staying alive.
4. Kill without prejudice.
We all know the emotional moments in zombie movies when someone has to shoot a loved one who has turned into a zombie. Deal with it.
The first time someone is bit, give them the benefit of the doubt, since there is no way to be for sure if that will mean they are going to turn. Tie them up and keep a gun pointed at their head, but go ahead and wait it out.
After you know for sure whether or not a bite means zombification, you kill that person, and every time after that you kill whoever gets bit the second it happens no matter how much you might love them.
5. Survive.
This one should be obvious. But what if the safe zone becomes overrun, maybe from an idiot who never should have been part of the group to begin with? Or maybe you have done great for months but the supplies are running out with no sign that the zombies’ numbers are dwindling, so you need an escape plan.
Only IF it is necessary and you HAVE to leave, your goal should be to get as far in a direction with little to no civilization as possible (like Canada) because there would in theory be fewer zombies.
If all else fails, throw out the Survivor Girl of your group to buy yourselves more time as you are making your escape.
Also, of course, DON’T be the Survivor Girl.
You know who I mean, she’s the one in horror movies who gets everyone else killed. Expendable.
CONCLUSION
If you make it through the initial steps, follow the rules, and either outlast the Zombie Apocalypse at your safe zone or find your way to some remote region to wait it out there, just hope that by the end of it all you at least have enough people still alive in your party to repopulate the species.
Good luck.
~G³
Next Monday I will be explorering the creative and fantastic world of Steampunk.
I will be looking mostly at the fashion side of the phenomenon, but also adaptations in general that people have done in the steampunk vein to introduce you to the glory of when futuristic technology meets fashion and styles from the past.
Thanks for tuning in.
Images taken from:
http://www.templeofthedemon.com/images/night-of-the-living-dead-poster.jpg
http://www.iwatchstuff.com/2009/06/12/zombieland-harrelson.jpg
http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/machete.jpg
http://www.alphatrilogy.com/wp-content/uploads/Cabellas___St._Louis_02.JPG
http://www.mcifp.org/Photogallery/images/3%20-%20warehouse%20-%20empty%20shelves.jpg
http://www.merreldavis.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Shotgun_Shaun_Of_the_dead.jpg
http://nadyalevphoto.com/St0len.jpg
http://www.horrorstew.com/images/Night123.jpg
Well done. I’m glad to see the basics are still as we discussed way back in the day…
Although, on the other hand, the one thing that is missing is the long-term aspect of the plan. We can’t always assume that zombies will die of hunger, as in 28 Days Later; it could be that they are basically immortal until killed. In that case, there should be a long-term backup plan that incorporates travel, a concrete destination, and plans for fortification and agriculture.
That’s why I say some of the supplies grabbed while fleeing from the zombie apocalypse should include The Way Things Work and a set of the Foxfire books. Repository of human knowledge worth knowing (as opposed to say Wikipedia, the repository of all human knowledge subject to debate)
@Blue-eyes-Green: LOL, so true!
What have you been up to?
@Blaise: You make a good point, but the problem comes in not knowing beforehand if we would be dealing with 28 Days Later zombies or supernatural never die zombies. Without knowing that until the apocalypse comes, we would have to prepare ahead of time any kind of agricultural ideas or we would never be able to work that out and also get to a safe zone before being overrun. If you have any ideas…? Or maybe we should just start farming now to be safe.
@Blaise: Classic observations never truly change.
A very comprehensive and conclusive list, madame, you seem to have covered most of the bases, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a greater part of this when we were all in college. I would however like to make a few additions to make because, strange as it may seem, not all people are geeks, or would see this event as a positive, enlightening thing. I know, zombies are wonderful for relieving stress, building character, and getting rid of the terminally stupid, but some people do object to the loss of friends and family, the comforts of civilization, or the fact that everything they know and understand has come crashing down in about an hour or so. I also have a confession to make: I am not a zombie fan. Oh, sure I enjoy the occasional movie (Just did so, in fact), but I know that were I in the same situation, I would not do well, or like it much, and would probably die as I am now. So if you’re not a geek, or at least not the right kind, lend me an ear and I can give you some pointers so that you won’t die as quickly.
Rule number 1: Go Mad
I cannot stress this enough. If you see the movies, you can see a lot of people who struggle to maintain their essential sanity, and what in the end does it get them? They have to kill recognizable friends and loved ones. They hide and run in terror. They sob hysterically. They start screaming and waving guns at people who could help them. Their fear chokes them and they panic, and their panic causes them to do really stupid things. They have bouts of paralyzing depression. And worst of all, they see the world and its future as it is: the world has ended. Humanity is finished. We’re all dead; and the ones with pulses simply don’t realize it yet and it’s only a matter of time before your own life ends in fear, and pain, and loneliness, and a death that does not end.
Not very fun, is it?
So I resolved that the only way to survive in the new world of the dead was to relinquish all my sense and logic to the heavens. And let’s face it, once your home has erupted in madness, are you going to rush out and find some more people so the same thing can happen again, or are you gonna look at those bodies of your parents/wife/children… and feel your brain go pop and start laughing hysterically? take a deep breath… and let go, my friends. believe me, I’ve done some research, and it seems to me to be the only way of keeping any sort of hope or happiness. So if possible, do that first.
Rule number two: Be creative
“Here’s a riddle: when is a croquet mattety like a billy club? I’ll tell you: Whenever you want it to be.” – Cheshire Cat
Yeah, it’s all very well to use a combat shotgun or a flamethrower on zombies, but those things are in short supply, as G3 said. Even blades are a bit of a risky business, because it allows the zombie to get close to you. What’s the answer? Use whatever! You are surrounded at all times by potential weapons at all times: missiles, bludgeoners, stabbers and exploders, all manner of things to stop a beastie from getting frisky. All you need is the knowledge and will to use it, and madness is very helpful for the latter. For the former, pick up a coppy of the anarchist’s cookbook, *the* go-to guide for using common objects into things that cause grevious bodily harm. Another good source would be the movies “Shaun of the Dead” and “zombieland,” both contain great ideas for zombie killing without blowing your whole wad on some katana or something.
Rule number three: Look after yourself
And I don’t just mean, keep yourself safe, that’s a no brainer. I mean, clean yourself up. If you have bathroom facilities, take a shower; if you’re near a lake, take a dip with some soap; if water’s scarce, give yourself a french bath; do something to wipe the grime off your face and not appear so much like the very things you fight. It make you more recognizable, as humans shoot you less, and makes it far easier to deal with other people as well; who wants to deal with some dirty, smelly bum? And it’s good for the zombies too. I mean, think from the zombies perspective for a minute: here you are newly made, and your one purpose is to vex mankind, to find the slow and unwary and eat its brain, right. How do you think it feels when the only humans it can find don’t have the decency to lo0ok or act human. I know I’d feel pretty peeved. Look to your dressware too; change up when it’s too gore spattered or torn, and again be creative. Find a nice hat, put a flower in your lapel, find some cologne, and a good scabbard for your blade. I mean, it’s a terrible insult to kill anyone while terribly dressed, and it makes people want to deal with you.
Rule Number Four: Be polite
This is another thing that greases the wheel of any society or trade. Nothing good comes of being rude or commandeering; what sense is it to make more enemies besides the zombies? What do you really think the world will end again if you refrain from saying fuck more than you have to? When dealing with other people, follow these simple rules: when you’re in sight of each other and no one’s shot at you, raise your hands above your head, approach slowly, and say hello to the person in question. If they’re travelling, ask if they have anything to sell or trade, or if they’re going the same way, offer company. If they have a stronghold, let them be sure of you before they let you in, and don’t be too offended if they say no initially; trust is scarce and must still be earned, even in these dark times. Once inside or in the group, pull your weight. Do what you are asked to do with a gracious smile. Remember, to have a friend you have to be a friend, so be friendly. Share your supplies and ideas. Don’t raise your voice, don’t persist in what annoys people, and do all you can to make sure everyone is safe and happy. If someone tries to tell you something, let them finish and then reasonably answer back. This is how community is rebuilt; we as humans were not meant to be alone. But at the same time, worldshaking events like this shake other people too, and even the most normal society member can just go to pieces. This means that you could do all of the above perfectly, and someone will still try to kill you and take your stuff. So, be sure you have a plan to kill everyone you meet, especially if they seem trustworthy. If they’re big and strong, try to cripple their legs first, if they’re skinny and fast, knock them out. if they’re a bit on the heavy side, try to get them to an edge off a building or a staiurcase so they can be used as an impromptu weapon. You may never have to put these plans in effect, but bertter safe than sorry.
Rule Number 5: Try to see the funny side
A sense of humor is worth its weight in gold at times like this. You have to laugh, don’t you? Sure, the worlds ended and you’ll probably die, but you’re still alive now and if you die, that’s the end of all your pain and worries, right? So have fun with it! Think about the ways this could have happened, and add funny voices. Discover new and interesting ways to kill a zombie, and take notes. Be sure to see as many interesting sites as you can. read some poetry and make it. Most importantly, find somebody you can laugh with; it will make all the difference in the world. After all, giving the gift of friendship was the greatest thing possible when the world was whole, and its even more important now. Give someone else the chance to smile, and you’ve given them something that can’t be taken away by all the zombies in the world.
And that is how you survive an attack, from zombies or from zampires or from life. Thank you for reading this, and thanks to G3 for her more practical tips and this wonderful blog.
PS The movie I watched was [REC], a spanish Zombie movie with a closed off building that was quite nice and very creepy.
@Sean R.: I’m fairly certain I would not have trouble with this additional rule #1. And of course if you get to rule #5 then you have surely succeeded with rule #1 as well, because only the properly insane can see the funny side in the Zombie Apocalypse.
And LOL, I always did adore the Cheshire Cat the most, and now I have another reason.
then you really ought to find American McGee’s Alice, a game for the PC. It’s absolutely loaded with great quotes from good old Cheshire, and other characters too!
Like, “Always collect what’s useful. Reject only your ignorance, and you might survive.” also from the Cat.
@Sean R: Love the American McGee quotes. Best game character ever.
Oddly enough, all of your rules seem to apply to pre-apocalypse times, too. Insightful, or coincidence? I prefer to think the former.
@G3: Perhaps, given the uncertainty of whether the apocalypse will be caused by immortal or 28DL zombies, agricultural planning should be part of the plan from the get-go.
I mean, think about the movie I Am Legend: Robert Neville was a survivalist in the fine tradition of zombie move survivalists. But in the end, he dies, and the woman and her child end up finding a HUGE community of people living in a walled city. Neville was OK at what he did…but let’s face it, THERE were some people who REALLY had their shit together. Talk about a zombie plan…the whole freaking town was in on it–they must have been building infrastructure from the second the virus was discovered. Cool as it may be to hole up in a sporting goods store, it’s a short-term solution; the only way to really win is to have a long-term plan.
I wish I’d thought about this in college. Our zombie plan would have been even more complete.
So the question is, do we form a community of insular survivalists, or do we just mark the most defensible towns on Google Maps and plan on cleaning it out from a central sporting goods location when we get there?
@Blaise: Any gardeners or farm kids in our bunch?
Nice video! Who did the motion graphics?
@Blaise: Mario is my editor extraordinaire. He was the one who did the video for our wedding, if you remember, and John and I do film stuff with him sometimes.
Nice. I love the Zombie Plan. Even though I was not part of the original insanity that you mapped out in college, we’ve always had Cabella’s. And now – provided I’m at home during the initial outbreak – I shall be well-stocked with blades and other close-range weapons. We may even purchase guns soon, too… Suffice it to say, even were I not at home, I am always armed and feel I could successfully make my way to a safe-zone to stock up and move out.
@Megali: As it should be! I would love to get to a shooting range one day…